ACMindworks

Tag: spirituality

  • Short Story: A Walk in the Woods

    Upon awakening one morning, the sudden inspiration to go for a walk lit up the mind. Following the whim of this impulse, the self left the cozy confines of its heavenly home. Carrying a bag stuffed with supplies, the feet guided the self down the path, out into the wide unknown. A forest was soon found, and the self was struck with a strong need to enter it. At the outskirts was a path, well worn and offering a wide opening into the dense, green space. An odd sensation surged through the self as it passed the threshold from outer to inner, but the mind paid it little heed beyond a fleeting curiosity.

     The fresh, warm light of the rising sun gave way to the dark chill awaiting inside. A shiver descended down the self’s back, quickly followed by an ascent of invigorating enthusiasm, elicited by the rich affect of dynamic lifeforce abound within the forest’s bonds. Giddiness and glee tumbled out from the self, quickening the step and adding a touch of swagger to the gait.

     Looking about the trees, the self saw their youthful strength, felt their vivid vitality. Loud laughter lashed out from the mouth, the self taken by the joy the trees seemed so alive with. Entering even deeper into this forested domain, a luscious tapestry of flowers began to carpet the ground all around the path, filling the nostrils and intoxicating the senses with their sweet fragrance. Oh, how glad was the self in that moment at having followed its whim towards this fabulous forest. How so deliciously alive it was, and how potently alive it caused the self to feel.

     The enthusiasm for the experience increased within the self, somewhat softening the hardness of the mind, stimulating the senses of the form, and evoking a feeling to flow freely and uninhibited with it all. The memory proved to be rather hazy regarding the exact events that then followed, save to say that the sense of it felt very good.

     Ultimately, what brought the self back down from this exalted state was when the eyes began to see the odd tree branch littering the path, broken from their mother trunk in a way that gave an impression of violence. Then the self noticed the flowers living so lovely along the path’s edge were damaged and disrupted by careless footsteps. Worse yet, whomever the source of this woeful indignity was had taken to plucking the flowers and thoughtlessly tossing them aside once they tired of their beauty and fragrance.

     This influence of ignorant chaos only increased the further the feet walked forward, increasing the fires of anger rising within the self’s core. This unknown other had the gall to disrespectfully leave their waste strewn about the path. Plastic wrappers, metal scraps, empty cartons, scraps of paper and crumpled bottles were haphazardly left all over, and their own foul defecations deposited without regard.

     Anger boiled into rage in response to this blatant impudence. Who could dare to do such a thing? What awful manner of other proceeded the self upon this path? What ill regard informed their malintent? The feet quickened their pace, the self righteously motivated to apprehend this horrible other and reveal to them their blatant sins with all the harsh fury that could be mustered. As the self progressed down the path, the irreverent sight became more upsetting, and so too did the severe judgement burning in the belly increase along with it. This shameful other ahead had much to answer for, deserving no mercy for their heinous crime.

     And then the self noticed something rather odd. Laid upon the path where the feet tread was a broken branch that looked suspiciously familiar, both in shape and placement. So too were the footprints stomped throughout the poor flowers arranged in a previously seen way, and the garbage ahead appeared to be the exact same as what had initially infuriated the self.

     With a sinking feeling of dawning realization, the eyes inspected the footprints within the flowers from a closer vantage, and upon comparing them to the soles of the feet, horror struck with the revelation that they were a perfect match. It was not some other awful self who had so thoughtlessly disrupted and disrespected the peaceful beauty found within the forest. It was this self.

     Of course, denial flared up, the foolish ego attempting to absolve itself. “Surely I am simply misreading the signs,” the ego thought. “I could never cause such harm. I am a good person. It is only ever the other that enacts such sins.”

     But such refutations were obviously in vain. There could be no mistaking who the true culprit was. While overtaken with the state of enthusiastic rapture, the self had wound up on a path that circles upon itself, thus allowing for the influence and effect of its ignorance and indulgence to be revealed. The self immediately felt darkened with shame, contracting into guilt, and suffered the blowback of an ill-earned self-esteem now so suddenly ripped away. Overcome with enormous self-pity disguised as self-loathing, the self fell to the ground and wept, intending to remain there until death took its due.

     So lost to the domineering drama of inner angst was the self that it hardly heard the soft word whispering to it from afar. An ear managed to lift out from that rather embarrassing stupor to hear the message being imparted.

     “At least clean up the mess you left,” it seemed to say. “And if you really need to feel sorry for yourself afterwards, by all means do so.”

     The self had a few moments of debate with the mind whether or not to actually heed the message, but ultimately there was no worthy argument against it. The self managed to get back on the feet, despite the emotional weight bearing down. The self then proceeded to collect up all the broken branches and neatly pile them next to a pair of thick, older trees; cleaned up the flowerbeds as best as could be achieved, replanting the flowers that yet held a chance for life and placing the rest next to the pile of branches; collected up all of the garbage into a plastic bag that had been discarded on a bush, storing it in the bag hanging on the shoulder; and finished by digging a hole to bury the most shameful of what had been left.

     The self did indeed feel better after having taken responsibility for the mess, but guilt and shame still hung heavy in the heart and mind. The self no longer felt worthy to remain in that special forest.

     But again the voice spoke. “Well done cleaning up after yourself. Of course, you may leave if you so wish, but why not instead come a little deeper into the forest. There is a trail, hidden to the eyes of those who do not wish to see, that you would do well to walk.”

     The self hesitated to acquiesce, but a certain curious sense spurred the action to do as suggested. The trail was indeed found, not so obvious or well tread as the path it branched off from, but unmistakable now that the eyes knew to look for it. Walking this trail required more care, as it was largely grown over, and the self was very mindful not to impart any more harm to the copious plant life growing all about. It proved to be a long trail, and one made all the darker due to the density of foliage. An odd apprehension grew within the belly as the self ventured ever closer to the the trail’s end. What was found there took the breath away.

     A wide, open meadow, alight with the sun’s radiant warmth, had laid hidden in what the self intuitively knew to be the heart of the forest. An astounding variety of flowers grew everywhere, their colors vivid, their geometry inspired, and their fragrance sublime. Running through the center of the meadow was a stream, continuously singing a sweet, burbling song. Next to the stream was a figure, robed in white, their back towards where the self stood. As the figure turned to meet the eyes with their own, the self was forced to look away, the splendor in their gaze beyond what the self could bear.

     “Welcome, child,” the figure said, their voice all comfort and melody. Yet still the self could not match their stare.

    The mind was immediately overwhelmed with the thought that it was not for the self to be there, and the heart hurt in reply. The thought continued, claiming the self should leave, that they were not to stay. Considering all the harm the self had already done to the forest, there was a fear for what more might be imparted.

     The self was about to turn and leave when a gentle hand was felt upon the chin. That warm hand lifted the face, bringing the eyes to meet a golden pair emanating such a depth of love, pouring it out abundantly through their gaze. Immediately tears arose. It could not be said whether the figure was male or female, only that they were beautiful beyond belief, their features almost childlike yet their essence ageless.

    The tears soon began to flow freely, flavored with such sorrow. As the figure beamed a wondrous smile at the self, the tears turned to joy. With a soothing tone and a healing lightness, the figure uttered the most powerfully affecting phrase.

    “Welcome home.”

  • Giving Honor to Venus

    Jan 17: Going to go somewhat stream of consciousness here. Whether this proves to be something worth repurposing for the blog will be determined later (Spoiler: it is). A thought process was stirring through me this morning after reading some of Aleister Crowley’s Clouds Without Water; a series of poetic verses that explore a man’s thoughts and feelings regarding his sexual lesion with a young woman named Lola, an expression of the Mary archetype in her “Mother of Tears” (or sorrow) form. Each part of the poem explores the dynamic from a different archetypal lens, such as the Alchemist, the Hermit, and the Theurgist, shining its own quality of light (awareness) onto the power and allure of sexual desire.

    For me, the poem is providing yet another stream of insight—another key of understanding—regarding the process of restoring Venus’ placement within my own psyche. The basic sense that the poem was inspiring was the notion that a necessary form of salvation is found through sexual union, particularly for the feminine (yin/receptive) side of the life equation. The risk there, however, is the ever present potential for sliding into the abyss through excessive indulgence; the nihilistic danger of the hedonist. Salvation is the key word in the previous claim, as the thought equation I’m working out here is fundamentally connected to the Christ essence.

    Before building the idea further, I want to refresh and expand beyond the idea I introduced in the last post regarding the basic expressions of light and the triangular way they operate. This whole notion is firmly and fundamentally rooted in the Tree of Life diagram. In the case of the particular thought equation I’m formulating, I’m really only going to be dealing with the etheric/solar trinity and the astral/lunar trinity. The divine only needs to be recognized as the originating source of all that is, and the material plane as that which ultimately manifests the energetic processes.

    As previously mentioned, the astral/lunar trinity has a foundation built from the polarity of intellectual/abstract/objective information processing and feeling/sensory/subjective information processing; themselves being a kind of lower octave, lesser expression of the Heaven/yang/authority and Earth/yin/hedonist dynamic. These two polarities determine the direction and intention of astral light—or lunar consciousness—operating as imagination, fantasy, idealism, fear, and delusion.

        Intellectual   Sensory

         Mercury   Venus

    Astral Light

         Moon

    This is essentially the realm of ego (the lesser, smaller, diffused and reflected facsimile of the divine singularity). The polarized foundation corresponds with the solar plexus chakra (or power center, actualized through mind and body), informed by the relational nature of the duality, whether imbalanced, antagonistic and ultimately neurotic (the Saturnian split), or cooperative, cohesive and harmonious (healthy self-esteem/value rooted in rightness). The lunar tip corresponds to the sacral center, or creative, sexual impulse. It is the quality and intention of the lunar light, as informed by the energetic data encoded into mind and body, that determines what is made manifest in the material plane (the root chakra, or survival center).

    The etheric/solar trinity is built from the polarized foundation of judgement/right thought and action/karmic cause and effect on one side, and mercy/compassion/ loving embrace on the other, focusing into the point at the triangle’s tip as solar light (the Christ essence, or Christ consciousness).

     Judgement Compassion

                                            Mars                          Jupiter

    Etheric Light

            Sun

    It is through harmonizing our consciousness to this essence that clearer, truer, fuller awareness is achieved; an awareness informed by and inspiring within an embodied state of genuine love and compassion, and true ethical understanding (Karma, Krishna, Christ). Judgement without compassion creates the tyrannical, oppressive and destructive condemnation of the authority (Yahweh), and compassion without judgement enables the indulgence of nihilistic, disrespectful, degrading hedonism (Satan), both imbalances creating disorder in the heart center/solar, Christ sphere. Honesty and integrity allows for the intuitive sense of right judgement; patience and forgiveness are the means by which true compassion is produced; all of these are qualities in which the ego struggles with. The ego orients towards keeping the mind obscured within delusion and illusion; judgement enacted from hurt pride or imaginary fear, and compassion misused to indulge and enable dysfunctional addiction.

    There is a formula in esoteric thought that goes like this: Sun over Moon. The reason for this is that sun light is “true” light; self-derived, constant, clear and authentic, and filled with warm life force. Moon light is illusory light, only a reflection of the sun’s, inconsistent in its expression, cold and lacking in life force, and limited in its capacity to illuminate, though undeniably beautiful and affecting (much like our dreams and ideals).

    Running this thought equation through christian symbolism, the Christ is the solar emanation (the heart chakra), and the foundation of its polarized action—it’s passion—is bringing judgement/correct alignment and compassion/forgiveness into the world (matter). It is the emanation of the divine (the source) into the astral (the ego), radiating light onto the moon, into our imagination, into our minds. But not just our minds, our bodies as well, for to be truly informed by the solar/Christ essence is to feel it in its sensory expression as much as to know it intellectually.

    Now I’m going to return to the base of the lunar/astral triangle, and particularly to its left, or feminine, side. This is the most crucial point on the lunar trinity for whether or not the solar light can truly get into the material realm and actualize (become embodied), and I would say that this is the point that our society is largely ignorant of and, qualitatively speaking, deficient in.

    This is the realm of Venus. This is the realm of beauty and relationships. And in the Jesus story formula, this is Mary. Not just Mother Mary—the pure, virginal expression; the untouched vessel that receives the Christ essence—but also Mary Magdalene, the sexually active expression, who potentially, if one were to subscribe to this rather contentious interpretation of the story, receives Jesus, the man, physically as wife. Venus/Mary is both of these expressions. Needs to be both, held together as one. A pure, virginal (which is to say humble, grateful, respectful and spacious, or egoless) vessel for the etheric essence (ethical, loving essence) to enter, and a carnally enjoyed, sexually worshiped, tangibly appreciated human woman (the sensuous embrace of the ego).

    Jesus being married (Mary’d) is a vital part of that story’s restoration as far as I’m concerned, as it represents an important facet of the spiritual formula encoded and expressed through it. That the gift of the Christ isn’t that he died for our sins (a distorted, manipulative misuse of that story to instill guilt and shame in human consciousness—emotionally disruptive and disorderly states—and thereby allow the authority/Yahweh/demiurge to maintain its control), but rather that he embraced life. That he loved life. His marriage to Mary Magdalene represents that. Same as the sun giving of its light and warmth to the earth.

    Life/matter/mother/ the matrix is something to love. Is worthy of love. Is precious and valuable. As is the ego, which is something to nurture and care for. The Christ might connect to the sun, but so does the Lion, the animal, the lower self. Embodying the Christ means properly caring for the ego. We need to feed that Lion, take it for walks, cuddle it, pet it, make it feel loved. Rendering Mary Magdalene as a whore debases the feminine, degrades Venus, damages the ego, and disorients human consciousness, evoking either a resisting rejection of her and what she represents, or inspiring a rebellious, resentful counter reaction expressed through narcissistic overinflation.. When honor and care is not provided for the essence of Mary Magdalene, she either withers away or becomes a succubus.

    I believe this is a significant part of the process I have been enacting and mentally working out through this blog, restoring my relationship to Venus and feeling a renewed sense of beauty’s value, of its power and importance. And I believe this is best done through a measured balance of honoring both the pure, incorruptible essence of Mother Mary and the alluring, arousing, sensuously pleasing Mary Magdalene at the same time. As a cohesive whole. As men—and even further, as any mind drawn in by beauty’s allure—it is vital that we be mindful and conscious of the quality of energetic attention being projected onto the essence held by Venus/Mary, embracing and appreciating it with love, respect, reverence and integrity, for that is how we will allow the etheric/Christ essence to truly manifest and become embodied within the sensory/feeling part of the astral apparatus, and thus have it truly inform our material manifestations.

    As one final thought to tie into all of this, I’m going to share of an experience I had while camping down at the stream near my family’s farm. I had taken a decent dose of mushrooms and MDMA, following three days of consciously opening to and engaging with the energies and environment. The substances wound up hitting me so strongly that I essentially disappeared for a while, my sense of self completely submerged in the tsunami of energy washing through me. I returned to awareness to find myself loudly, resonantly repeating OM over and over. I was then completely overtaken with the most all encompassing, pronounced and profound feeling of love. This was a depth and scope of love beyond anything I had ever felt before (or since—at least thus far), and in that moment I knew it to be the ultimate truth. That everything else seemingly perceived to the contrary are simply the delusional fears concocted by the ignorance of the ego.

    It was truly incredible! And in that experience I was brought to the powerfully affecting thought, amplified by a very potent feeling, that, as a man, to fully and properly love the feminine, to truly fulfill and honor what women are, required the absolute, committed, loving devotion to one woman. Not to say lesser forms of love cannot be achieved otherwise, but at best, an element of lacking will always be present. I believe there is a far deeper significance to marriage than the superficial way we currently interpret it, and for me, this restored story of Jesus marrying Mary further reinforces that. True love is devotion to that which is beyond ego (the astral) yet also encompasses it, and marriage is the ritualistic arrangement actualizing that unifying sacrament.

    But all of this is just the way I’m seeing it right now, these words simply just my own efforts towards trying to make sense of the various thoughts and feelings swirling together throughout my mind and body. Take what you will from it. Hopefully there’s a few golden nuggets of insight to be found.

  • Back in the Homeland

    Jan 10: I’m now back in very familiar surroundings. Currently, my butt is planted at a table in a cafe where I’ve done a substantial amount of writing in the past, typing these thoughts into words while sipping on a crazy good cup of hazelnut infused hot chocolate. After two months of being submersed in various foreign, novel environments, its nice to be in a public place I’m fully comfortable with. Don’t get me wrong, fresh novelty is fantastic, and I remain incredibly grateful for every bit of my time in Costa Rica, but there is certainly a greater capacity for the system to settle in a space one is familiar with. And there’s no doubt that having had a good chunk of time away from this place is allowing me to enjoy it all the more at the moment. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all of that.

    The duality of novelty and familiarity is yet another polarized life influence each individual needs to find balance with. Too much novelty leads to system overload and chaos; too much familiarity leads to stagnation and small mindedness. I tend to get fed up with places and situations relatively quickly due to the rate and pace my mind seems to absorb and process energetic information, churning up the need to change things with a degree of regularity that thus far hasn’t afforded my soul enough of an opportunity to properly settle into this human life process.

    It’s fair to say that my appreciation for the current coffee house providing this story’s setting is also being enhanced by the fact that I’ve been essentially couch bound since getting back into Canada. The wound on my leg has required a whole lot of slow down on the part of my motion-based motivations in order to speed up its repairs. Due to a number of factors informing my personal orientation, I haven’t wanted to get it looked at by a doctor. Not that I’m entirely adverse to medically professional intervention, but I do think attention has a quality of energetic information entwined through it, and I’m not keen on an objectifying, scientific (potentially arrogant) form of attention imposing its interpretation and assumptions onto the wound’s deeper meaning.

    Like I’ve mentioned in a previous post, I don’t believe in random chance, instead subscribing to the notion that everything is the result of unseen energetic arrangements. The damage and subsequent way my wound heals holds a specific symbolic meaning for me. As long as I can keep it clean and healing properly through my own efforts, I’d prefer to keep it clear of any other outside energetic effect. Just to be clear, I would not necessarily suggest anyone else follow this example, as a risk of increased issue could easily arise. This is simply an avenue of life experience in which I choose to exert my own free will. I’ll freely admit that there have been a few moments where I seriously considered that my leg may need the care of someone better educated than me regarding the workings of the body, but it appears to be the case that the wound is healing up quite well through the careful cooperation of natural bodily functions and my own administrations. It’s both looking and feeling much better. I still have to effectively stay off of it for the most part to maximize its healing capacity, though even that is thankfully starting to ease up, leading to my choice to walk over to this cafe to write this post.

    Obviously it has been a comparatively long while since the last time I felt compelled to write something here, but I’m sure my situation makes it clear why that would be. I’ve honestly been fairly tired almost constantly since getting back to Canada. Between the leg wound, a brief cold that took hold, processing all the arising thoughts and feelings regarding my trip, and a somewhat disrupted sleep routine, I have had neither the energy nor the ambition to conjure up anything to post here. But today I felt compelled to break that streak.

    It’s certainly been interesting being back in Canada, comparing and contrasting the vibe and affect of this country and Costa Rica. The first sense that really struck me about the people was how much colder, more uptight, insecure and disconnected they generally felt compared to Costa RIcans. The image that comes to mind for me is that, culturally speaking (which is to say, the quality of conscious collectively held), it’s like we’re slaves to an overly intellectual assumption of superiority and rightness—one woefully disconnected from reality. Costa Ricans felt warmer, more at ease with each other and the life flow, and held what felt like a deeper quality of trust in life. I suppose another way of saying it is that the egoic impulse is more subdued there compared to the over-exaggerated way it’s embodied here. Also, Spanish is a much more lively and harmonically pleasing language to listen to than English, even despite my inability to parse it.

    (Editor Aodhan here: As a counter experience to the previous paragraph, the morning after writing this, I went for a walk to a nearby park and everybody along the way expressed a bright, smiling hello to me. I’m not going to remove my previous observations—obviously, since it’s still here—as I still think there’s truth in it, but it goes to show the incomplete nature of many of our initial interpretations of things. Life is so much more nuanced than the reactionary mind is capable of perceiving. Good reminder not to get stuck in such quickly conjured definitions.)

    All of that isn’t to say that Costa Ricans are so much more superior than the folks here—far from it. There’s a degree of simplicity and a lack of boundaries more predominant in people there that the folks in this part of the world aren’t so riddled with, which I personally prefer. I suppose the positive qualities described in the paragraph above are just the things I found myself missing rather quickly upon returning—and are influences I think we could do with a little more of here.

    Interestingly, I’ve noticed (in comparison to the way I usually was before) that I’ve been naturally enacting a greater degree of friendliness and easy warmth with those I interact with, and the way people respond to me has been a lot more positive. I like to think that’s a quality I was able to absorb during my time in Costa Rica, and I hope to maintain it from here on out. After all of the communication challenges throughout my trip, it really is such a joy simply being able to talk with people again. I’m sure that inner appreciation on my part has something to do with the way folks are responding to me as well. We’re kind of starved for friendly connection here, being so much more competitively oriented, and perhaps even a little paranoid.

    I also find my new found appreciation and respect for beauty continuing to flourish and grow internally. More and more I’m recognizing the importance of its influence and affect, and the responsibility rooted in our relationship towards it, as its quality is innately rooted in the kind of attention we project onto it. We have such a fractured and schizophrenic relationship to beauty in North America, often either down playing and diminishing its value, or misusing it for power gain and manipulation. Both extremes damage the quality and capacity of beauty’s uplifting affect, and we all suffer for it.

    I was given the opportunity to explore a thought process this morning that follows along those lines with the very good and generous friend I’ve been so fortunate to be staying with. It’s an idea better explored in a post dedicated to it, but I’ll attempt a simplified synopsis here.

    From an esoteric point of view, you can essentially organize the nature of spiritual energies into four fundamental states: Divine, etheric, astral and material. Each of those states is essentially different qualities of light (brightness, clarity, purity, ect), itself effectively forms of information. We experience light on the material plane as solid form and tangible shape. Astral light can be thought of as lunar light; the images and ideas produced through imagination. Etheric light can be thought of as solar light; the true essences behind the images and the emanated life force underlying everything. Divine light is ineffable and incomprehensible, beyond the realm of creation, and the source of all that is.

    Above the earth realm, each of the expressions of light are essentially regulated by a polarized force. Think of a triangle. The point at top is where the light is focused and released, and the two  points on the bottom are the polarized foundation that stabilizes the light’s efforts. Lunar (which is to say reflected and diffused) light, or astral energy, is stabilized by the polarity of both conscious, intellectual mind (the organizing and contextualizing functions; abstract and objective), represented by Mercury, and sensory, feeling based bodily experience (the intuitive, responsive functions; tangible and subjective), represented by Venus.

    Venus is the archetype of beauty. Beauty has a profound affect when embraced, soothing the system and causing it to settle down and open up. Resisting and rejecting beauty’s power keeps the system closed off and tensed up, preventing sensory information from getting in. An over emphasis on intellectual processes (or power) leads to the diminishment (and potential debasement) of beauty’s value, as the conscious mind cannot fully grasp beauty’s affect. The archetypal image: Mercury looks at Venus and perceives her as a stupid, empty bimbo. Conversely, an over emphasis on aesthetics can lead to superficiality, vanity and vapid ignorance. The archetypal image: Venus looks at Mercury and sees him as a nerdy, ugly bookworm.

    That conflict (yet another manifestation of the Satunian split) fractures the mind and body, preventing either the higher awareness of intellectual thought or the settling and inspiring affect of beauty, disrupting the capacity for solar/etheric light (the emanation of raw life force) to illuminate the consciousness. Like all polarized influences, the necessary arrangement is the balance of both. Higher intellectual arrangement informing and organizing beauty’s presentation, and beauty bringing the awareness back to tangible experience in order to reveal the truth of its thought. When both work together, the excesses of either are toned down and the focused understanding of astral light can be achieved, allowing the consciousness to pass through the realm of fantasy and imagination and reach the greater mental clarity of etheric awareness (or Christ consciousness). An over emphasis on either intellectual abstraction or tangible aesthetic pleasure leads to continued astral confusion. Once more the authority and the hedonist must join together to form cohesion and clarity.

    Well, maybe that wasn’t as simplified as I was hoping, but its quite difficult to contain those ideas within brief explanations. Even what I wound up writing out here was very low resolution. Bottom line, I think we’d all seriously benefit by reintegrating a healthy, respectful appreciation for beauty into our contextual frameworks. I’ll leave it at that, and leave this post be. I hope you experience a lovely moment of beauty today!

  • A Final Word Before a Fond Farewell

    Dec 24: Today is my last day in Costa Rica. I would like to write out some of my thoughts and feelings regarding this whole experience while I’m still immersed in it, but I’m not sure how clearly I’ll manage to channel that into words. I’m pretty wiped out right now.

    Let me set up a bit of context here. It’s a moderately drawn-out journey from where I was, San Isidro, to where the airport is, Alujuala, so by the time I was finally off the bus, it was fairly dark. Rainy too, just to make it even more “atmospheric.” I had a short walk to the Airbnb I had booked, and obviously I was moving at rather rapid pace to minimized how much me and my (too much) stuff got wet. That lack of light coupled with my full throttled, forward focused efforts meant that I did not see the big ass hole waiting for me right in the middle of the sidewalk. Before I knew it I was suddenly belly deep in the ground and my left leg was vibrating with some very unpleasant sensations.

    Thankfully nothing was broken, either in body or possessions. Kind of a miracle considering how deep that hole was, how fast I was moving, and how much added weight I had strapped to me. But like I said, my left leg was clearly in rough shape.

    I limped my way to the Airbnb, and as soon as I got to where my bod was slathered in illumination I could see I was bleeding pretty badly. I dragged myself up the steps to my suite, went inside, turned on the light and checked out the damage. It was not a pretty sight. A relatively large chunk of flesh in my shin was disturbingly absent. I went into a kind of detached work mode, cleaning it as best as I could and covering the hole up, then limped my way to a nearby Wal Mart to snatch a first aid kit. Once I got back I more thoroughly cleaned and redressed the wound.

    By the end of all that, the adrenaline subsided and the pain kicked in. It was not a pleasant night, let me tell you. I had to be very careful how I positioned my leg otherwise the wound would start to tear and the pain would ratchet up. Thankfully I actually did manage to sleep, but I am pretty out of it today. Still, I felt compelled to write out something for this final day.

    The way I’m seeing it, this leg wound is meant to act as something of a reminder regarding what this trip has come to represent for me. Obviously, I tend to view the life process through a thick lens of symbolism, subscribing to the notion that all material experience is rooted in an energetic cause. Through such a lens, the left side of the body represents our feminine side, and our legs are the physical expression of what stabilizes us in and allows us to move through life. Both of those facets of the life experience (the embrace of earthly embodiment and the receptive side of the equation) are elements I’ve struggled to reconcile with internally for quite some time. Elements intimately entwined; effectively the same influence expressed in different ways.

    As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve long oriented towards an emphasis on the spiritual and abstract, with a part of that preference coming from a place of wanting to transcend the earthly, human world. As I hope I am managing to make at least somewhat clear throughout this blog project, I no longer believe there is any way to cheat your way out of this place; the task being to actually embrace it (through love and reverence). It’s been a fairly hard road getting to that point, filled with all manner of inner bumps and bruises along the way.

    Coming to Costa Rica was, for me, rooted in an intention to further heal and restore my connection to the feminine; to material, human existence. Bring heaven down to earth. Blend Yang with Yin. Lock the upward and downward triangles together. Heal the Saturnian split.

    As was previously mentioned, Venus, the planetary archetype of love, beauty and value, has a strong personal affect on me in Costa Rica. Venus also, obviously, is strongly associated with the feminine essence. It’s symbol is the exact same as the one for woman after all. I’ll reiterate that those Venusian qualities are already fairly predominant here, beyond just my own associations. The women are gorgeous and highly feminine, in the pronounced curves of their bodies, the way the decorate themselves and the very essence they radiate. They completely embrace their femininity here. The country itself seems to more easily embrace and appreciate the feminine essence just in general, substantially more than I feel is the case up in the northern and supposedly more educated part of the west.

    The absolute abundance of jungle is another expression of Venus’ touch, as she is also the fertile mother of the material form, best expressed through the Empress card in the tarot. Actually, the mother archetype is powerfully present here, flowing through the women very freely, another aspect contrasting the diminishment of the mother in countries heavily intoxicated with toxic feminism. Perhaps that touches in on what the greatest gift this experience has provided me: a contrast and therefore cure of sorts to that feminist poisoning soaked into my own system.

    Just to be clear, I don’t outright oppose everything loaded into feminist thought. I’m all for the respect and healthy empowerment of lady folk. As far as I’m concerned, everyone benefits from that. But like Christianity before it, the good ideas have gotten buried under a sludge pile of egoic power lust. Those thought waves are incredibly damaging, and they have certainly taken their toll on me and my relationship to various facets of the feminine essence.

    For my own internal restoration and cohesion, this country has offered an energetic influence that has acted as something of a panacea to that poison. I have no intention of digging into the details of what that entails for me specifically, because not everything needs to be shared or worked into words, but I can say that my enjoyment of and appreciation for beauty has very much altered, feeling much cleaner, freer and more respectful. There are so many ways in which female beauty, and beauty in general, are being misused, degraded and diminished, from all sides of the gendered equation. I have certainly drank from those polluted waters. It feels so much better to have restored a more exalted and reverent view of beauty within me, a process I intent to continue enhancing and refining.

    Another thing my experience in Costa Rica has stirred within me is a greater sense of just how important relationships are; particularly loving, close relationships. The combination of the blocks in connecting brought up through the language barrier and witnessing the incredibly warm, open, communal nature of the locals worked to emphasize both the need and lack for that within my own life, a feeling it seems so many in the west are struggling with. Again, I believe that Saturnian split is the source of this, the neurotic need to see oneself as superior (fed into by higher levels of supposed education, technological dependency and that constipation within the feminine, ie, the binding waters of connection, care and relationship) and the subsequent shame inducing swing into hedonistic, addictive and even nihilistic indulgence to fill the void of unfulfilled relational requirement.

    It’s not to say that Costa Rica is some perfect paradise. It’s certainly got plenty of problems of its own, but that’s just a part of everything here in the earth realm. That’s actually another thing this experience has really emphasized to me: it doesn’t matter where you go, there is no escape from personal and earthly bullshit. I’m very thankful for what this country has offered me, but I don’t consider it necessarily a better place to be than back home in Canada (despite how loaded with bullshit it is as well).

    While I’m sure I could easily keep rambling on here, as tends to be my mental nature, I do want to keep this on the shorter side. I’ll finish with a few other quickfire observations. The food isn’t anything special. It’s not awful, but it’s not great. And apparently pesticides and other chemicals are used very heavily here, so the produce isn’t even especially healthy. They really like everything loud. Music, speaking, watching stuff on their phone. Everything seems cranked to the max. I love that every city has a center, complete with a nice church, where everyone likes to hang out. I’d often just chill in these places, reading and watching all the activity. There are dogs everywhere, and many of them love to bark with easy regularity. The cats were more secretive and shy. Stuff isn’t cheap here compared to most other Latin American countries, but the over all standard of living and material wealth seems higher too. Still, there’s plenty of beggars everywhere you go. Sitting on the bus, watching the stunning landscape go by while listening to music made for some really nice moments. A lot of the people will attempt to communicate even if their English isn’t great and despite my lack of Spanish. It’s sweet that they would try, and I appreciate all of those moments of connection, but it could get a little awkward.

    All right, I’ll leave it at that. I may do a retrospective follow up a little later, but this will act as the last post written while here. I’ve got a long, early flight lined up tomorrow with a busted up leg, so I’m gonna take it easy the rest of the day. I hope you’re finding some time to do the same.

  • A Challenge Along the Path

    Nov 25: I decided to extend my time away from the workaway thing for now. I need some time to reorient somewhat and figure out how I want to move forward. I found myself a nice, cozy airbnb in San Jose that’s proving to be a perfect space for this process. This particular post is essentially part of that process.

    The thing is I’m starting to really question why I’m continuing with this trip. I’ve been at it for over a month now and I can’t say it’s really been sparking much inspiration within me. Costa Rica is a beautiful country, no question, filled with lovely people and interesting things to experience, but there seems to be something in me that’s either getting in the way of truly being able to embrace it or maybe just wants to go in a completely different direction.

    An undeniable factor at play in this adventurous instance compared to any other time I’ve done this sort of thing is how much more introverted I’ve obviously become in the last handful of years. Even though I still find the external world fascinating, my internal universe has absolutely become far more compelling. I think three major factors have contributed to this reorientation of my attention, all of them taking place with a degree of simultaneous sequence. The first is a strong element of disillusionment regarding relationships due to my previous experiences (undoubtedly a kind of trauma response), the second is the effects of the COVID-19 event, and the third is a major increase in my study of esoteric philosophy and the subsequent spiritual practices that were inspired. Effectively, it seems that these experiences have sort of synthesized together to cause me to become far more guarded against people and what I perceive as their impulse towards egoistic imposition, and to more vividly view material existence as illusionary.

    Perhaps another way to phrase it is that I have steadily been losing faith in the physical, human world and increasing belief in the spiritual and abstract. While the increase in the one side of that equation has genuinely brought me a level of peace, comfort and confidence I’ve never been able to achieve before, the decrease on the other side has left a growing lack. I’m recognizing that lack is of human connection. Communication, touch, energetic exchange, ego (or personal) encouragement and feelings of being embraced all fall under that umbrella, and the lack of it is wearing on a part of me. At times, when I feel the strength of spirit, I can view that lack as something to be endured in order to maintain a quality of being that can often feel unappreciated or otherwise taken advantage of and fed upon. But when the human animal part of me flares up, screaming its need, I tend to feel somewhat down and uninspired.

    I began to recognize this imbalance over a year ago, seeing how I was overemphasizing the spiritual and abstract at the expense of my own humanity, and have since being attempting to cultivate a greater quality of cohesion between those contrasting and seemingly contradictory parts of my being. I certainly feel I’ve made some headway on that front, but I still hesitate with the human side. It’s very difficult to look at the world and not see it devolving into excessive ego, superficiality, ideological insanity, materialistic greed, cult-like communities and straight up apathetic, nihilistic escapism. We seem to be a sick species, and as an effort to minimize my own mind being infected by it, I tend towards staying silent and contained.

    But that approach feels selfish. Like I’m withholding the love within me that should be shared. That wants to be shared. My choice to come to Costa Rica was rooted in an effort to heal the wounds of my heart, bring down the walls protecting my authentic inner nature and cultivate an increased capacity to communicate myself, my views and my experiences without expectation. Hell, this entire blog project is another expression of that intention. I can say with total confidence that I’m still entirely motivated towards those things and absolutely will not give up on them until the moment I pass from this world.

    But, man, am I ever struggling to actualize it here thus far. Not being able to communicate with people has been corroding my confidence in the endeavor and my strong aversion to communal experience (again, a known trauma response) is weighing the whole thing down even more. I feel such a powerful compulsion to love the world and the life within it, but also an equally strong resistance towards it and the corruption so casually, so carelessly indulged. I know much of the interpretation held within in that latter response is rooted in wounds I’ve accumulated, distorting whatever truth is present in such observations, but I’m not sure I can succeed at healing them if I don’t have people I can truly feel safe with, listened to and embraced for who I am, including these more challenging emotional parts of me. (Editor Aodhan here: I do in fact have a number of people in my life that care for me in this way. I love and appreciate each of you enormously! The lack was really just being felt in that particular moment due to being alone in a foreign country. Just wanted to clarify that.) I often feel like I’m expected by everyone around me to maintain the positive, to endlessly supply the good, to reassure and uplift and express words of inspiration while they get to unload their own painful feelings, darker thoughts and challenging emotions.

    I guess I’m getting tired of the imbalance. Tired of nailing my needs to a cross of self-sacrifice. In truth, I prefer orienting towards the positive, embodying good as best as I can. I love loving life, even if much of that process has to be done in private for me to uphold a certain personal quality. But, man… would I ever like to be able to bring it out more in a way that feels genuinely sustaining and measured in its effect.

    I dunno… I don’t really want to literarily rant about it any more. I suppose I just needed to get that out of my system through words. For those that speak the astrological language, my moon is in Gemini (as is my Chiron for that matter), so I tend to process emotions through either talking or writing. I’m committed to the intention behind this blog, in finding ways to get my inner experiences out through expression, so here it is. As always I appreciate anyone who actually reads this. With this last month of travelling being one of the hardest periods in recent memory regarding communication blocks, I doubly appreciate anyone taking in my mental ramblings with their kindly receptive eyes. Nothing but love to all of you.

    (Editor Aodhan here again: While the personal truth contained within this post remains, the lens of emotion has dissipated quite a bit since the writing. I might not exactly feel the way I did while scribbling it out, but I still wanted to honor what was being experienced and expressed by that past version of me by giving it its place in this blog-space. I am still undertaking my journey through Costa Rica, and glad for it. I’ll touch in on that more so in an upcoming post, but I will say this experience is absolutely proving to be positive and beneficial to my personal development.)

  • Splendid Trees and Spiritual Traps

    Nov 11: That jungle I mentioned in my last post proved to be a lovely place. I’ve always been partial to submersing myself in the realm of trees, so it’s a real treat to venture through a very different kind of densely verdant environment. I’m from the west coast of Canada so I’m well versed in beautiful forestscapes. My family has a property in an area called the Okanagan that is so very alive with nature’s abundant touch. Trees cover the majority of the property, ranging from pine to fir to birch, and whenever I was there I would often spend much of my time out in them. Down in a valley at the far end is a clear, flowing river, and that was my favorite place of all. It held a genuinely potent magic.

    There are three separate streams flowing through the place I’m currently at, none as notable as the one back home, but they’re nice all the same. All flowing water is. There’s an especially special spot where one of the streams curves and winds in a really neat way. Hidden under a bush near there are a pair of containers holding old Incan clay pieces, the remains of cups, bowls and other such things. There’s even part of a ball from their games. The local folk hold to a superstition that having things like that present on a property leads to bad luck, so the host placed them just outside his property lines, despite not being a superstitious sort. Better safe than sorry. He claims to have noticed a shift towards the positive after having done that, so maybe there really is something to it after all. Life remains a very mysterious thing, despite any arrogant claims to the contrary.

    My intention in heading to that spot today was to partake in a meditation there and tune myself in a little more deeply with the land, but the dogs here have all taken a real liking to me and a trio of them opted to tag along. It was a fun time for all, but silence and stillness are not qualities to be cultivated when a bunch of puppers are playing around. One of them in particular, Roxie, tries to stick her tongue in my face any chance she gets. I resigned myself to the reality that I would not be given an opportunity for folding myself into a comfy lotus position and letting my mind drift off into nothingness.

    Same thing happened yesterday when I went to a different part of the jungle. The most majestic tree stands tall at the end of the trail, hanging out with and over another of the streams. Apparently it had been remarked by others in the past that the tree seemed straight out of Avatar, so that gives you a bit of an idea of its stature. Needless to say, that place is absolutely teeming with lifeforce. In that particular instance it wasn’t so much the dogs that maintained my mind’s earthly orientation, but rather the howler monkeys hooping it up in the trees. I decided to respond to them just for fun. It was neat how they’d go quiet while I said my piece and then they’d start up all over again. I didn’t really get the chance to peep their forms, unfortunately, but I’ll still be here for another week, so there’s plenty of time yet for that.

    I suppose I haven’t actually explained why it is I’m at this fun and fancy free finca. Whenever I’m travelling I find I prefer to do work trades along the way. Wwoofing, workaway, whatever. Not only does it save money, but it provides opportunities to see and experience how life is actually lived in whatever environments I wind up in. Even more, I’ve met a lot of really great people and had some very affecting experiences mixing this into my travels. I’m not really one for walking the tourist type trails. Even when I do engage with the tourist attractions that attract my attention, I’d much rather do it in my own way and at my own pace rather than through a guided tour or something curated like that.

    Obviously not all work trades are made equal, but I wouldn’t say any of the numerous ones I’ve partaken of have been negative. Some are more exciting, some are more laid back, some involve large numbers of people and in some instances it’s just me and the host. Thus far I’d been the sole volunteer here, but two (very pretty) German girls just arrived. A change in people always equates a change in the dynamics, so it’ll be interesting to see how that plays out here.

    This is not, in fact, my first workaway since landing in Costa Rica, but rather a last minute exchange. While the truth of my statement that none of these experiences have been negative still holds, the one I was synced up with before this place could very well have turned in that direction. My intuition was heavily implying as much. The host was a follower of a particular Indian guru, though he was not at all of that heritage. He oriented his life pretty much exclusively on the guru’s teachings, believing the guy to be truly enlightened. I have no intention in bringing names to the table here, but I will say if you did know this guru’s designation and googled him you would not be presented with a character profile that the majority would call enlightened. Since the host exclusively arranged his life around those teachings, it meant that the entire workaway experience was rooted in these teachings too. That was, in fact, the point of him arranging the workaway in the first place, to further spread his guru’s word. I knew this coming in, so it wasn’t as if he sideswiped me with any of that stuff. My cat nature simply got the better of me, causing me to give into my curiosity.

    As always when it comes to people’s beliefs (even when they strike me as bonkers), I made it a point to remain respectful towards his, putting forth an effort in engaging with the process this guru had designed in how to heal and clear out one’s life. I don’t want to linger on any of the details, but needless to say, the state of the host’s life and the degree to which I worked with this guru guy’s teachings quickly made it apparent that this was not the path to enlightenment. In my opinion, it would only lead a person in misguided direction. This is not the time to delve any deeper into this, but I’m not exactly lacking in esoteric experience or spiritual contemplation. I wouldn’t dream of claiming divine answers, but I’m pretty confident in saying that this situation wasn’t about to reveal them to me.

    I have one final thing to say on the subject and then I’m gonna wrap this post up. Something I would consider a red flag in regards to a potentiality that you may be dealing with a cult is when any individual or group claiming a greater spiritual understanding pushes you to expose your pain and vulnerabilities too quickly with the promise of healing it. You see this dynamic play out in cults all the time. Lost, hurting people looking for relief, to be seen and heard, encouraged to share deeply of their suffering and sorrows. The cult and its leader pounces on this and causes the individual to become trauma bonded to them. Things can get very obfuscated and weird once that happens. From my point of view, I felt my experience with that previous host heading in a similar sort of direction. I hold no ill will towards him, as I think he doesn’t entirely know what he is doing, but I’m very glad to be where I am now instead.

    Well, it’s just about dinner time here, so I’m gonna sign off. Thanks again for reading.