ACMindworks

Tag: astrology

  • The Saturnian Split prt 2

    Dec 18: I just had an odd experience that has caused me to question some of the content in the previous post, as well as how exactly to approach this one, being that it’s meant to be the second part. I’m going to be employing a very free flowing, spur of the moment writing style as I work it out. Not that I don’t generally write that way, it’ll just be a little more pronounced here.

    I was just getting back from a bit of a wander around the town I’m currently in, San Isidro, when I got stopped by a trio of immigration officers. They questioned me about my stay, wanting to see my currently unequipped passport. I don’t exactly carry that around with me everywhere I go. I have no idea if this is a common thing that they do, checking out random gringos to see if they’ve overstayed, or if they were looking for someone in particular. I haven’t witnessed anything like this throughout the two months that I’ve been here. Obviously it all went fine since I haven’t broken any laws, though they did chastise me a bit for not having my passport on me.

    On a surface level, the experience itself was really just a minor curiosity, but when I consider the symbolic sequence it’s a part of, that’s where my contemplative questioning crops up. The fact that I had a tangible encounter with an expression of authority the day after uploading my mini deconstruction of Saturn’s dysfunctional split is enough to make me pause. Honestly, that part of the post was the first thing I had written up that I hesitated to share here since starting this blog .

    There’s an idea in some esoteric traditions that strongly advises against revealing too much about the workings of Saturn. It actually goes even further than that, the notion being that speaking too plainly or openly about higher level power in general can attract unwelcome issues. Thus the historic tendency towards secret societies, political obfuscation, and even phrases such as “don’t throw pearls to swine.” To know is to dare, to dare is to will, to will is to remain silent is one of the tenants of hermetic philosophy. And here I am blabbing away about it, likely allowing my own ignorant thinker to foolishly stumble through ideas that may well need to remain hidden for the operations for this whole earthly, human thing not to go to shit. Ah well, I suppose I’ll just have to continue riding the wave of my own inclination to express and hope I don’t get pummeled by some sort of unseen karmic surf.  

    There’s a common sentiment among the common man that the so called elites hoard and hide power and knowledge away for their own selfish gain, and that we the people deserve to possess it ourselves. Maybe that’s true to an extent, but my own mental meanderings have lead me to the view that there’s likely much more involved in all that. As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, humans have a tendency towards self-victimization, which includes looking for someone or something to blame whenever our sense of personal power is in any way threatened. The image that comes to mind is of a toddler throwing a temper tantrum when things don’t go exactly his way. It’s far too easy to misuse power to fulfill egoic impulses and wants, the hunger for the object of desire obscuring objectivity. The more an individual is driven and informed by their own personal wants, or even just a desperation to sooth emotional and sensory discomfort, the more likely they are to misuse power and mess things up.

    There’s something of an energetic resonance between narcissistic impulse and childish emotionality, revealed through an inability to take responsibility for tempering the sensations of hunger and want, or the destructive consequences that can emerge when selfish desire is given into. Perhaps my perspective is skewed through a lens of observation greased up with pessimistic expectation, but I haven’t seen too many examples of individuals who aren’t prone towards some form of easy self-centeredness when push comes to shove. There’s been numerous examples of that throughout history, and more than a few that have happened in the last handful of years. The craving for power is weird that way, and that weirdness really does appear to show up in those that manage to get their hands on a level of authority operating beyond their ego’s capacity to wield it responsibly.

    I think it’s a safe statement to make that the craving for power and authority is rooted in fear. Such a response leads to an emotionally charged need to possess the means to control the factors that might cause the feared effects to manifest into one’s experience. In that state of being is a powerful desire to preserve a particular arrangement of life facets.

    Why did the immigration officers interrogate me? Because they want to maintain a certain status quo for Costa Rica. Why do people get so riled up over politics? Because it determines the kind of life they’re able to live. Why might a man work a job that causes harm to people or the environment? Because it secures his family’s future. Why do people obey the laws decreed by their god? Because it assures the salvation of their soul. What do all of these things have in common? A fear of loss. A fear of change. The steady comforts of the familiar giving way to an unwanted, unsettling novelty.

    And what is it that allows for change? Time. And who is Father Time? Saturn. So here we find that Saturnian influence once again.

    But is is so wrong to want to preserve something felt to be precious? That’s a question I find more challenging to answer. On a personal level, there’s plenty of aspects in my life I work at maintaining and preserving, my anxieties over their potential loss more than enough motivation for me to persist. But on a philosophical level, there’s no way for me to deny the inescapable reality of impermanence and the ephemerality of all manifested existence. To tether my well being upon something that is innately unreliable strikes me as kind of insane.

    So then why place any emphasize on the ephemeral at all? At the heart of all mystical, spiritual traditions is the consistent message of “release your attachment to the world.” Time is not real, simply an illusion, for there is only the eternal NOW. All you must do is shave the N off the NO, releasing your resistance, flip the OW the other way around, transcending pain, and vibrate with the eternal vowel OM!

    OOOOOMMMM..!

    I’ve had moments, man, where that understanding is directly experienced, and I genuinely do feel an astounding, unending, overwhelming love and goodness. It’s why I truly do believe in God (or Divine Source or Ain Soph or Brahma or Whatever). But something always pulls me back into my ego. Back into the illusion. Back into the matrix. Back into samsara. Like my soul is still searching for something here, and isn’t ready to leave until it finds it (or perhaps fully comes to understand that there is truly nothing to search for. The sages certainly seem to think so.) And there’s that split in my soul. The fracture in my mind. That which wants to be superior and supreme, and that which wants to remain with all the scattered pieces and parts of sensual experience. As much as the higher part of me might want to rid itself of the lower part of me (and perhaps the same is true the other way around, only more subtle and sneaky in its affect), the lower will not yield. I have put an enormous amount of effort towards transcending the material illusion, studying all those esoteric texts and undertaking ceremonial acts and meditating and visualizing and on and on and on… but the gravity of my humanity continues to pull energy and attention into my own ego.

    So do I remain split? Do I continue to identify with the self-righteous superior side and remain an abusive authority towards the weaker, needier part of my nature, always angry with it simply for existing? I certainly could, and I think plenty of people do, but I don’t think that’s the answer anymore.

    Enter the Christ essence! And where does that essence find its home? The heart! The sun of God at the center of the solar/personal system. The sphere sandwiched between the higher and lower chakras. The beauty of the Christ isn’t that he died on a cross for our sins, it’s that he chose to manifest here in the first place. If the world was so rotten, why bother showing up at all? Why not just leave it to self implode through its own ignorant indulgence and allow that energy to be channeled into something more useful? I think it’s because there’s genuinely something good here. Something worthwhile. Something valuable. I believe that’s what the Christ story is really revealing.

    Forget the guilt over his execution. Why would the eternal emanation of the divine make a big deal over having to shed a meat suit? Sure, that part of the story reveals the cruelty of ignorant, arrogant authority- which is a useful lesson, no doubt, and ties into what I’m talking about- but the real gift was the act of manifesting into the world. If the divine embraces this place, then so should we. So could we. There’s so much to love about the realm of this world. So many treasures to be found in sensual experience.

    The inspiring movements of music!

    The fabulous combinations of flavor!

    The soothing, stirring sight of beauty!

    The fragrant bursts and stimulating smells!

    Cuddles and closeness, hugs and kisses, and intimate entwining!

    Sunsets and stars, kittens and kids, laughter and celebration, endless artistic expressions, and the sheer joy of ever emerging fresh experience!

    None of it is perfect, but that’s not its purpose. It all comes coupled with pain, but that’s a price well worth paying to preserve what this place provides. And there’s Saturn’s influence yet again. Despite being a self righteous tyrant on that right hand and a self indulgent hedonist on the left, it’s his (her?) efforts that keeps this whole thing going. So the energetic equation plays out as the authoritative side of Saturn getting lambasted by the hedonistic side, always seen as the bad guy or bully or the mean ol’ parent that won’t let us have any fun and makes us go to bed before we want to, imposing restrictive pain where we want unending pleasure. But that’s the part keeping this entire process operational, keeping the hunger for more from going overboard. That equation applies to the personal, internal processes as well. That is the equation of the ego.

    Yeah, that archetypal influence is overly attached to itself and what it creates, but that’s rooted in a kind of love. An ignorant kind of love maybe, but it’s still love, and love is good. That love just needs to be illuminated with greater awareness; an opening of the heart so deeper understanding can inform the action here. I’ve been thinking lately that might be what is implied by Christmas emerging from Saturnalia. During Saturnalia, the Roman authorities would defer their control, and the people would be free to indulge themselves through feasts, parties, orgies and gift giving. Hedonism taken to an extreme. For seven days the authority softens its hard heart and allows pleasure to flow freely. I wonder if that wasn’t how the Christ essence was able to settle into humanity. The hyper vigilant consciousness of the collective controlling mind opening through chaotic ecstasy, allowing a higher love to get in. Is that reflected in things like conceiving of sex as love making? Is that the unacknowledged goodness found in the hedonistic impulse? Is the Christ implying that holistic, healing love is achieved through exalted sensual appreciation? Embracing and accepting this realm for what it is rather than chastising it for what it can’t be?

    From that lens it would seem that the Christ is all about restoring the Saturnian split and synthesizing its two parts together to create a state of being that is exalted. Fear based authority and control soothed through sensual acceptance, and hedonistic indulgence tempered by softly spoken responsibility and respect. Symbolic images like the sun (of God) being “born” on the solstice, the cross being the unfoldment of the closed off cube, and Yeshua being a name that combines Yahweh and savior (is it savior from Yahweh or  for Yahweh?) would all seem to correspond to the notion I’m attempting to lay out here.

    I had this thought a while back during a meditation that God/Saturn/The Authority/The Patriarchy/Whatever Else Relates actually needs to be forgiven for the ways its misused its power and given gratitude for everything its done to get us to this point. That what we need to do, personally and collectively, is not to fight or protest or push up against that force, but rather prove to it that we can take responsibility for ourselves and the ways in which we effect the operations of this realm. To prove to it that we don’t actually need its controlling hand any more to keep us in check. That we’re willing to grow up and let go of our ignorant, childish, superstitious fantasies and fears regarding material existence. That we can love this world through consciously enjoying it while also honoring it by tempering our attachments towards it.

    I really like the idea of this. It’s something that has begun to underline much of my inner development, leading me to this notion of needing cohesion between all of my parts. That I am to hold heaven and earth together in my heart. It has also brought up numerous challenges, some of which have been imparted in these posts but many that go much deeper than what has so far been revealed. I know first hand that this idea is not one easily implemented. But I’m gonna stick with it until something better enters my mind.

    All right, I really rambled on here, but I got into a flow and didn’t want to stop. I want to reiterate that I’m writing these more so for myself and not to convince anyone of anything or proclaim an answer. I’m just trying to figure this life biz out here, working it out through words as I go, and posting these only as a curiosity for those that might be curious. My mind works in a fairly abstract manner and symbolic, mythical language is a medium I use to make sense of it. I know there can be strong emotions and beliefs tied to these images, so I just want to say I never mean any disrespect and use them in my own processes with a lot of reverence and appreciation. That being said, I think I’ve said enough here. Wishing the world a wonderful Christmas/Saturnalia/Solstice/Whatever You Jive With!

  • The Saturnian Split prt 1

    Dec 11: It’s been a good chunk of time now since I felt the draw to write another post. I’ve got an idea I would like to explore here that came up during my morning meditation, but first I’ll scribble out a quick sketch as to what the life flow has entailed the last while. The tone of feeling in the previous message definitely increased, becoming more pronounced and intense in the inner experience of it. I was a hair width away from bringing my adventure through Costa Rica to an end. To simplify that story, the pressures involved in this trip, ie the language barrier, the stress of getting around and the chronic feelings of loneliness, continued to compound, pushing me to my emotional limits. I managed to work it out through an immensely helpful conversation with my mom, and ultimately opted to continue on. Despite how strongly one part of me wanted to leave, another part recognized there was still things of potential value that remained to uncover and experience here.

    I set myself up with another Airbnb further south in a smaller and more chill city, and I’ve been undeniably doing better. But there’s still a constant undercurrent of challenge. More than anything, this trip is really revealing to me the internal areas that are unhealed or underdeveloped or simply just dysfunctional in certain ways. It’s so easy to ignore or even straight up mask these weak spots in the personal system during normal living, through the accumulation of and reliance on various addictive sources and the illusion of comfortable control established through regular, steady routine. Travelling rips all of that away, and the results can be fairly intensive without copious external stimulation.

    Like I had mentioned, I’m orienting very introverted this trip, which is likely being further enhanced through the current way that the retrograde mercury and mars are affecting the energetic flow, so the inner gravity is stronger than any external interest. I’ve come to accept that this is the primary purpose of this trip, to bring my awareness directly towards these weak points and understand the dissonance with a greater precision. How else can one truly restore and retune these parts unless awareness (and more importantly, love) is brought into the full reaches of them?

    The primary theme of the central issue at play is essentially a fracture between my inner experience and the external world, a split between heaven and earth, mind and body, yin and yang. It would appear very clearly to me that this is not only a personal fracture but rather a collective one currently playing out with rather intense reverberations, seen through dynamics such as the divide between men and women, left and right politics, civilization and nature, or technological dependency and biological impulses. For me, I lean towards a mind rather than matter orientation, more comfortable and adept with inner intellectual processes than material, sensual connection. I used to swing more readily between the two, but I’ve learned (or perhaps been conditioned through experience) to trust and rely upon the one side far more than the other.

    The thing is, polarizing myself in that way maintains the inner fracture, which perpetuates neurotic thinking and therefore compromises the clarity of my observations and interpretations. I want to be clear. I want to orient myself correctly. I believe achieving that requires genuine cohesion between all of my aspects; all the instruments involved in the creation of my personal music must be in tune and harmonious with one another. My increasing preference towards inner experience and the resulting resistance towards the outer renders a discordant conflict in the coherence of my music. Even here in Costa Rica that resistance to outer connection has continued to persist, despite the abundance of beauty pulling at the attention, and I don’t just mean the crazy quantity of gorgeous women or the warm affect of the people in general, but also the environment and the intangible energies. Venus has an especial affect on me personally here, so beauty’s quality is seriously amplified. And yet I still resist…

    Having such a strong polarized pull acting upon and within me in regards to external connection really magnifies where and how my system pushes back against it, creating a charged up energetic tension at my core. It’s honestly quite exhausting, causing me to feel almost continuously tired. But like I said, it’s affording me the opportunity to really zero in on the source of that resistance, and that was what came up during my morning meditation. I figured there are three primary gates blocking off an easy flow of energy and attention between my inner realm and outer influence.

    (Editor Aodhan here: Rereading what I wrote explaining those three influences struck me as a little too personal to be sharing publicly as this time. These posts are already leaning pretty far into my current emotional struggles and vulnerabilities, and I’m not looking to bog this blog down too much with that sort of thing. Perhaps I’ll return to those ideas in the future if it seems right. For now let’s just say they involve karmic accumulation, genetic and environmental inheritance, and experiential observation of the world augmented by esoteric study. Ultimately, it can all be simplified into a single discordant polarity which I will begin the next paragraph with.)

    On the one hand (likely the left) I don’t feel worthy of the word’s affection and care, and on the other (probably the right) I see it as not worthy of mine. That would appear to be the core fracture in my being; the neurotic thinking that compromises my interpretation and experience. At this point I’m not sure what exactly to do to resolve that split, but as the saying goes, knowing is half the battle. I must hold to the faith that through the desire to mend that inner rend, I will be guided to where I need to go to do so.

    There is one significant thing that spiritual study has added to my inner equation, and that is the strong sense that despite how screwed up humankind and the world appears to be, there remains the need to engage with it. To enact, as best as we can through our individual imperfections, the efforts of healing and awakening that are required for the restoration of this realm; giving of our light and love to this life. This is an orientation symbolized (and possibly embodied) by figures like the Christ.

    As a final thought to tie into all of this, I find there to be a correspondent resonance between everything I just laid out here and the Gnostic interpretation of god and creation. In their view, the version of god found in the old testament, and therefore the direct creator of the material plane, is not in fact the true divine source but something more akin to a powerful expression of spiritually ignorant egoic impulse. A kind of lesser, and effectively tyrannical, deity referred to as the Demiurge.

    When you start bringing the esoteric pieces together it becomes clear that there is a link between (using this particular symbolic language) Yahweh and Satan; that they are in fact two sides of the same coin, the link being their association with Saturn. Saturn has a strong connection to black cube imagery, revealed by the hexagon on its pole (a hexagon being a 2D representation of a 3D cube), which then manifests within Abrahamic religions through things like the cube on the tefillin or the Black Stone of Mecca. Satan’s saturnian connection is revealed through the goat symbolism of Capricorn, ruled by Saturn, and Capricorn’s rulership of the devil card in the tarot as well as the tendency towards materialist and hedonistic indulgence that takes place during Capricorn season, exemplified through ceremonies like Saturnalia, which is the foundation of our Christmas. (Actually, I have a lot of thoughts about this particular time of the year, especially regarding the role the Christ essence plays in it now, something that actually ties into what I’m talking about here, but that’ll be for another post).

    Those are just a few of the many examples of these links. I bring all of this up because the split in our own natures, such as the one I’m uncovering within myself, may well be rooted in this demiurgic/saturnian influence; that fundamental egoic fracture between the self-righteous authority of Yahweh condemning his own hedonistic impulse to indulge in his own creation. Following along with this Gnostic/esoteric interpretation, the Christ is the emanation of the divine essence breaking through the Demiurge’s narcissistic barriers and bringing love and forgiveness to this material plane, in order to restore wholeness to existence itself.

    Whether these stories are true in a literal sense can certainly be debated, but as symbolic allegories, they seem to provide a map of sorts that can be followed to achieve greater awareness and cohesion. As a conceptual lens, it’s effectively saying that ultimately the means of resolution is found through rising above the unhealthy ego’s tendency towards either vain, self-righteous judgement and condemnation of material imperfection (that right hand proclaiming the world unworthy), or the infinite hunger to indulge in sense gratification as a way to avoid greater existential reality (which leads to the feelings of shame and worthlessness of the left hand), and instead emphasizing love and forgiveness towards ourselves and the world and all the faults found within as the means to heal. That by restoring the union of inner “authority/god” and inner “devil/hedonist” the disorienting extremities of both are balanced out by the other. I would like to believe that. And the more I am able to inform the operations of my mind and emotions with that belief, the clearer, cleaner and more cohesive I feel.

    All right, I think that’s enough for now. I definitely allowed myself to indulge in my own mental ramblings here. But once again, I have to remind myself that this is the purpose of this blog in the first place. If you managed to read out the whole thing, I thank you for it. Hopefully you were able to find something of value in it. Lots of love to everyone!

    (Editor Aodhan here: I know I harped on Saturn here, but I want to make it clear that I don’t see that symbolic image as innately bad or evil. It’s effect and influence is necessary for what we are, and I intend to explore that in my next post.)