Heartfelt Reflection

Jan 31: (Editor Aodhan here: I feel the need to add some thoughts to what was initial written. As will be noted, I wrote what will follow this introduction over two weeks ago, yet haven’t been compelled to post it. Not only that, but I haven’t felt any pull towards posting to the blog in general lately. Reflecting upon that fact, as the sense to finally put this up is activated within me, I am able to recognize with a clearer awareness that there are aspects and facets of this life experience that cannot be shared so openly or easily; that they are not meant to be shared.

There are parts of our own inner alchemy that fundamentally require a kind of internal hermetic solitude; thoughts, feelings, emotions and experiences that can only be truly processed and integrated in the safe sanctity of our own inner hearth. Much of what my attention and intention have drawn me towards lately are rooted in such processes. For now, the best I can say about it is that the narrative progression, or archetypal equation, I’ve been running through my system, ie the dynamics correspondent with Venus (Mary), the Sun (Christ), and Saturn (authority/hedonist split), have lead me towards a greater emphasis of importance upon the state and operations of the heart. Love really is the key, and the heart is the sphere that is the most in tune with that particular note.

There is another archetypal image that emerges when a deeper consideration and exploration of that sphere is undertaken, and that is of a largely hidden figure most easily, on a collective level, identified as Vesta. There is good reason for her to remain hidden, and it is only through personal meditation that it is revealed as to why this must be. No more needs to be said on the matter, nor can be in any useful means.

I’ll finish this drawn-out intro by saying I feel blessed with my current circumstance, satisfied with the way things are moving in my world, and I’m largely happy and whole. What’s to follow here is an expression that emerged from this process of heart work I’ve been engaged in, and while it almost feels a little too vulnerable to share, my past self obviously felt compelled to do so, and thus my now self wishes to honor that. Perhaps this is all part of my own heart healing. Perhaps that is at the core of this entire blog. Perhaps that is the core need of the collective healing. It certainly seems like it in this moment I type out these words. Anyways, enough of this preamble ramble. I’ll let my past self take over.)    

There’s something of a pattern that has begun to emerge in the way I’ve been approaching this blog; a pattern that reveals an aspect of how I tend to operate. My initial intention with this online space was to let it be a place where I could share in my own, personal thoughts and feelings; a means to externalize my personal experience through the written word. While that has indeed been the case, I’ve noticed myself leaning further and further into abstract formulation and contextual calculation with these writings rather than an emphasis on sharing of myself. I tend to do this in general, focus my attention on the larger picture and ultimately lose track of myself. I suppose this post is going to be an attempt at bringing the focus back to my humanity.

It would seem I’m just far more comfortable with the abstract rather than the tangible; the ineffable rather than the ephemeral. I’ve gone through long periods where the human world, with all it’s impermanent presumptions and self-serious structures, felt so incredibly irrelevant to me. Like grasping at vaporous mirages for meaning and purpose. But despite my preference (and perhaps over-fixation) on uncovering the metaphysical undercurrents, a need for the physical, the material, the tangible, and the human remains.

Much of what I have been writing in this blog is rooted in my efforts to restore that part of my nature, to settle my awareness back into the fleeting form of human experience. To find a means by which to love that experience despite its imperfections and dysfunctions. I cannot deny that a degree of struggle, and perhaps hesitancy, yet persists in achieving that state of being.

When looking out from my internal universe onto the external world, it’s very easy to see much that obscures inspiration, chokes out faith, or paints in hues of ugliness and corruption. It takes conscious, continuous effort to hold love in this realm. To keep it burning in the heart even when the icy winds of apathy and selfishness work to snuff it out. And what more important place is there to ground that love than one’s own material aspect? Therefore, my capacity to love humanity is tethered to the degree of love shown towards my own humanness.

It’s funny, many people I know seem to feel a kind of heavy gravity in regards to the world, their attention and awareness  being pulled down and deeper into it, losing faith or hope or belief in a higher influence. I seem to work in reverse, a gravity pulling me away from the world and into an abstract, intangible awareness of higher beauty and order. The temptation to forego my humanity and assimilate myself even greater to that higher state is strong indeed. However, as I said, there yet remains something that keeps me anchored to the human; keeps me curious to engage; motivated to love.

That notion seems to be what is leading me to my experience of the Christ essence, and the idea of embracing life as an act of divine love, rather than disregarding it due to its ridiculous nature. Perhaps that touches in on why I can find it challenging to speak more readily about my subjective experiences here, despite that being the intended purpose of this blog: I don’t entirely understand what it is I am experiencing myself, through whatever it is I seem to be attempting to enact in this world. That much of my personal thoughts and feelings are rooted in what could be an unspeakable emotional experience of reconciling the willful ignorance of human arrogance and the subtle, quiet glory of a force far beyond left brain comprehension.

Even as I make the effort to write this rather odd and disjointed mental/emotional experience out, I’m not sure any real, relatable sense is emerging from it. But I suppose the attempt to share and connect, even these hard to define and express things, is itself an act of love, known through the sincere effort. I will keep trying. I will keep making that effort to bring my own, human experience to light here, regardless if the end results always work.

Chances are I will always and inevitably start leaning towards contextualizing abstractions, but I’ll make more of an effort in returning the attention back to my personal experiences and sharing them here. I think that might be a good way to maintain a love for my lower self, and hopefully cultivate a greater love for all of life as a result.