A Challenge Along the Path

Nov 25: I decided to extend my time away from the workaway thing for now. I need some time to reorient somewhat and figure out how I want to move forward. I found myself a nice, cozy airbnb in San Jose that’s proving to be a perfect space for this process. This particular post is essentially part of that process.

The thing is I’m starting to really question why I’m continuing with this trip. I’ve been at it for over a month now and I can’t say it’s really been sparking much inspiration within me. Costa Rica is a beautiful country, no question, filled with lovely people and interesting things to experience, but there seems to be something in me that’s either getting in the way of truly being able to embrace it or maybe just wants to go in a completely different direction.

An undeniable factor at play in this adventurous instance compared to any other time I’ve done this sort of thing is how much more introverted I’ve obviously become in the last handful of years. Even though I still find the external world fascinating, my internal universe has absolutely become far more compelling. I think three major factors have contributed to this reorientation of my attention, all of them taking place with a degree of simultaneous sequence. The first is a strong element of disillusionment regarding relationships due to my previous experiences (undoubtedly a kind of trauma response), the second is the effects of the COVID-19 event, and the third is a major increase in my study of esoteric philosophy and the subsequent spiritual practices that were inspired. Effectively, it seems that these experiences have sort of synthesized together to cause me to become far more guarded against people and what I perceive as their impulse towards egoistic imposition, and to more vividly view material existence as illusionary.

Perhaps another way to phrase it is that I have steadily been losing faith in the physical, human world and increasing belief in the spiritual and abstract. While the increase in the one side of that equation has genuinely brought me a level of peace, comfort and confidence I’ve never been able to achieve before, the decrease on the other side has left a growing lack. I’m recognizing that lack is of human connection. Communication, touch, energetic exchange, ego (or personal) encouragement and feelings of being embraced all fall under that umbrella, and the lack of it is wearing on a part of me. At times, when I feel the strength of spirit, I can view that lack as something to be endured in order to maintain a quality of being that can often feel unappreciated or otherwise taken advantage of and fed upon. But when the human animal part of me flares up, screaming its need, I tend to feel somewhat down and uninspired.

I began to recognize this imbalance over a year ago, seeing how I was overemphasizing the spiritual and abstract at the expense of my own humanity, and have since being attempting to cultivate a greater quality of cohesion between those contrasting and seemingly contradictory parts of my being. I certainly feel I’ve made some headway on that front, but I still hesitate with the human side. It’s very difficult to look at the world and not see it devolving into excessive ego, superficiality, ideological insanity, materialistic greed, cult-like communities and straight up apathetic, nihilistic escapism. We seem to be a sick species, and as an effort to minimize my own mind being infected by it, I tend towards staying silent and contained.

But that approach feels selfish. Like I’m withholding the love within me that should be shared. That wants to be shared. My choice to come to Costa Rica was rooted in an effort to heal the wounds of my heart, bring down the walls protecting my authentic inner nature and cultivate an increased capacity to communicate myself, my views and my experiences without expectation. Hell, this entire blog project is another expression of that intention. I can say with total confidence that I’m still entirely motivated towards those things and absolutely will not give up on them until the moment I pass from this world.

But, man, am I ever struggling to actualize it here thus far. Not being able to communicate with people has been corroding my confidence in the endeavor and my strong aversion to communal experience (again, a known trauma response) is weighing the whole thing down even more. I feel such a powerful compulsion to love the world and the life within it, but also an equally strong resistance towards it and the corruption so casually, so carelessly indulged. I know much of the interpretation held within in that latter response is rooted in wounds I’ve accumulated, distorting whatever truth is present in such observations, but I’m not sure I can succeed at healing them if I don’t have people I can truly feel safe with, listened to and embraced for who I am, including these more challenging emotional parts of me. (Editor Aodhan here: I do in fact have a number of people in my life that care for me in this way. I love and appreciate each of you enormously! The lack was really just being felt in that particular moment due to being alone in a foreign country. Just wanted to clarify that.) I often feel like I’m expected by everyone around me to maintain the positive, to endlessly supply the good, to reassure and uplift and express words of inspiration while they get to unload their own painful feelings, darker thoughts and challenging emotions.

I guess I’m getting tired of the imbalance. Tired of nailing my needs to a cross of self-sacrifice. In truth, I prefer orienting towards the positive, embodying good as best as I can. I love loving life, even if much of that process has to be done in private for me to uphold a certain personal quality. But, man… would I ever like to be able to bring it out more in a way that feels genuinely sustaining and measured in its effect.

I dunno… I don’t really want to literarily rant about it any more. I suppose I just needed to get that out of my system through words. For those that speak the astrological language, my moon is in Gemini (as is my Chiron for that matter), so I tend to process emotions through either talking or writing. I’m committed to the intention behind this blog, in finding ways to get my inner experiences out through expression, so here it is. As always I appreciate anyone who actually reads this. With this last month of travelling being one of the hardest periods in recent memory regarding communication blocks, I doubly appreciate anyone taking in my mental ramblings with their kindly receptive eyes. Nothing but love to all of you.

(Editor Aodhan here again: While the personal truth contained within this post remains, the lens of emotion has dissipated quite a bit since the writing. I might not exactly feel the way I did while scribbling it out, but I still wanted to honor what was being experienced and expressed by that past version of me by giving it its place in this blog-space. I am still undertaking my journey through Costa Rica, and glad for it. I’ll touch in on that more so in an upcoming post, but I will say this experience is absolutely proving to be positive and beneficial to my personal development.)